Saturday, August 14, 2010

An Undivided Heart


Do you google? Do you find that an innocent search like "what do zebras eat?" for your kid's school project lands you on an interesting site about decorating your home with zebra skin rugs and pillows? Do you then suddenly find yourself on Amazon searching for the least expensive zebra skin rug out there? Do you then have trouble remembering how it happened that there should be such a rug spread out on your floor when your husband comes home a few days later? Well, you are not alone. I, too, google, and it can get me into trouble.

I have said in previous posts that I had determined to keep my confidence in God. I shared that He was teaching me to see past the physical to consider the spiritual significance of what was happening to me. This is all true. And yet, I so wanted to know what was causing my symptoms that I found myself sitting at the computer time and again, sucked into the world of online self-diagnosis. This was not good. It did not help me. I would lie awake at night and analyze myself. I wondered if I had a parasite damaging my internal organs or an undetected cancer. I imagined what it might be like to have MS or any other auto-immune disorder. I wondered when I woke up in the morning if my right eye would also be paralyzed. Then what would I do? 

By Lee Nachtigal

I would think about other people's stories I had run across on the web. (Man, what an appropriate name; it really is a web out there.) I would think that perhaps if I went on the diet that person did, I could detox my system and be well again. Or should I order Dr. Wonder's Amazing Miracle Pills? Or maybe I should just shut my brain up, so I could sleep, because rest was what I really needed. And round and round I went. 

One Saturday, just after my Wednesday night meltdown, I stumbled across some new research on the causes of Multiple Sclerosis, which was what I suspected the neurologist might tell me I had. The kids were with a friend, Bob went on some errands, and I sat in front of my screen like a zombie, reading so much information that really only added to my fears. I finally felt so nauseated by it all, that I pulled myself away and wandered into the bedroom.

It suddenly struck me what was wrong, and I went down to my knees. "God, what am I doing? What is the matter with me?" I cried out to Him. It was as if He spoke to my spirit, "Here I am! Come to ME, analyze ME, study up on ME! I have all the answers! I have everything you need." As I began to weep, He showed me my divided heart. I had committed to trust Him, and yet I was still trying to solve this problem myself.
And then, I knew, painful as it was to admit, I had been acting like the Israelites! God did such amazing miracles for His people when He brought them out of Egypt. He provided for them in every way, and yet they continued to turn their backs on Him and go after their own ways, worshipping idols. Here I was, no better. God had done some amazing things for me, and I was still stubbornly going my own way. Oh, how sorry I was, how I wept, and how He loved me!

I felt His urging to read Proverbs 3. The whole chapter is a jewel, but for the sake of time, I will share just a few of the verses that touched me. Verses one and two say, "My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity." Ohhh... I had just been thinking I needed to buy a juicer to help prolong my life, and here was the key all along! Verses five and six say, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." These verses are well-known, but do we really trust Him with all of our hearts? My heart was divided. I had been leaning on my own understanding of this illness. And my paths were gettin' pretty crooked.

Verses 7 and 8 say, "Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones." Yes! and then, in verse 24, another result of going after God's wisdom, "when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet." This is the exact opposite of what my Internet searching had done for me.


The Lord reminded me this day that although He cares about my body, His first priority is the condition of my heart. This is where my healing really needed to begin. I want to be clear that I do not think it is wrong to change your diet or take vitamins or get help from your doctor or look up symptoms on the Internet. It just so happens that I am a very all or nothing kind of girl. My Father sees my heart, and He saw that I was in danger of exalting all these things above Him and His Word. And He rescued me again. I love Him so much.

So, how about you? If you are struggling with anything at all-sickness, broken relationship, addiction, financial troubles, grief, depression-I want to encourage you to first give Him your whole heart. Turn it over to Him for healing. This is what He specializes in. And He will take care of the rest. "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you..." (Ezekiel 36:26)

The next two days after my "heart surgery" were the most thrilling of my journey. I can't wait to tell you!


  1. Favorite line out of this post: "Ohhh... I had just been thinking I needed to buy a juicer to help prolong my life, and here was the key all along!"

  2. I mentioned before that the Lord was using much of what you were writing to help me through a little something. Also being an "all or nothing" type of person, He's showing me more and more that it sure needs to be ALL about Him instead of ALL about me. You are really teaching and encouraging in this blog of yours...keep up the good work!

  3. know i can relate! hey, don't you take weekends off? i had to check, because i love to read them, but i did wonder before i did, "does that Rachelle take weekends off?"

  4. oh, and I love the picture selections...giant eyeball heads, parting seas, rays of light. Very inspirational...

  5. I would like to second pagereader's motion.

  6. Now googlers will find you on the internet. ; )


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